Some things never change

Looking through my posts here, I must admit this blogging thing didn’t go exactly the way I intended.  I had hoped to write more often for one.  To include travel articles and slice of life vignettes.  I am not displeased with what I have written.  I am actually really proud of some of my posts.  And I have written many things to give insight into this beautiful, crazy, amazing country. But looking at my running list of ideas, I just feel I haven’t done enough.  Some of my ideas go all the way back to my first months here! Adventures and thoughts that were poignant to my emerging self at the start of this journey.  Thinking about writing them now I know they will lose some of the magic and feeling.  I cannot recapture the innocence.  Not truly.

But this is nothing new.  Back home there is a file cabinet full of great ideas that I just never really got around to writing.  You see, I have always been a procrastinator.  But it took moving half way around the world to realize just how much deeper it really went.  It isn’t just procrastination, it is a disbelief in the future.  Or at least an apathy toward any solid plans for tomorrow.  For almost two years I have been living in a dream world full of adventure and inspiration.  There was always something better to do.  Something more exciting to keep me busy.  I have always had a deep fear of missing out.  I want to be at the center of things, always moving and experiencing.  This has led to many all-nighters, benders, and poor life choices.  But I never seem to learn.  Tomorrow, the future, was always something I was aware of, but not really interested in thinking about.  In all honesty, I would be content to keep living this way for years – a rootless gaijin completely at the whim of her own wanderlust, living paycheck to paycheck with no thought of what comes after.

Writing about my wonderful experiences takes time away from other adventures I could be having.  But then what is my excuse for not writing when I have time – when I am stuck at work with nothing much to do.  Well that is another personality quirk that I have struggled with.  It surprises many people to know that I have poor perseverance.  I am full of dreams, ideas, and ambitions, but lack the focus to follow through and achieve them.  This is a trait that developed later in life, after graduation, when I was finally released into the adult world.  When I am left to my own devices, I seem to choose the path of least resistance, responsibility, and actual effort.  I am sure this is tied to the instant gratification attitude I have come to realize dominates my personality, but I am sure there are other contributing factors as well.  Regardless of why I do it, being in Japan has made me realize how much I do it.  It’s a lot.

I have no grand plans for what I will do with this new understanding of myself.  Recognizing something and productively addressing it are two very different things.  There are two warring people inside me; the one who is upset at the lack of progress and commitment, this one sets goals and makes lists, she believes in the unlimited potential of my other self if other self would just get her ass in gear.  The other is content to just float, letting the river of life move her from one amazing experience to another, soaking it all in, learning, growing, and doing nothing but living.  However, I know returning home will bring about major conflict between these two.  But I guess that is something to worry about tomorrow.  For now, I will squeeze in as much adventure as possible.  And do my best to write about them in my down time.