I used to joke with Anata that if he wanted children that badly, he would have to help me steal a Japanese baby. I thought they were the cutest babies with their dark hair and big brown eyes. But more than that, they were much better behaved than American babies. I very rarely heard them cry or act out in public. I can’t remember one tantrum in my whole time there. My students were as genki as all children are, but they were respectful of adults and each other. Japanese children were just all around better behaved.
Now that Anata and I are expecting a child of our own, I have been thinking a lot about Japanese babies. There is a good chance my little one will have dark hair and dark eyes like my husband. But even if it has blue eyes and fair hair like me, I am more interested in how I can encourage my child not to throw fits in public, obsess over material things, and otherwise act like wild American children.
Before I go further, let me say that I don’t think American children are terrible. I honestly don’t have a lot of experience with them. However, I saw a big difference between Japanese and American kids. With such a difference in values and cultures, that isn’t a surprise. I liked what I saw in Japan better, that’s all. It felt more like what I wanted for my own children.
In Japan, I didn’t spend a whole lot of time with families. I was fortunate enough to be involved in my local community in Osaka and got to know some of the kids and families through events like Danjiri. I got to see them interact up close, but only a few times a year. But families are everywhere in Japan. No matter where I went, I was surrounded by children and parents.
I think that is what I noticed first - that outings were always done as a family. It was kind of refreshing. When I would visit the park or a monument on the weekends, I was sure to see dozens of couples with their young kids. I am assuming that, like here, as kids got older these family events became more special occasions than weekly adventures since I didn’t see a lot of older elementary kids out with their folks, but it seemed that, while the kids were young, spending time as a family was very important.
What kind of blew my mind was that the fathers seemed just as involved as the mothers. They would carry children (children in Japan are almost always carried or walk on their own, there weren’t a ton of strollers around), play with toddlers, and are otherwise completely present with their family at that moment. It seemed so different from the salaryman picture I had in my head of the workaholic Japanese dad.
I know Japan is a bit behind when it comes to gender equality. Most women feel pressured to quit their jobs when they start a family and won’t return to the workforce until their children are almost grown if at all. I can’t say I agree with this social construction, but I can say Japanese moms seem to be completely devoted to their child’s success and well-being. You just have to look at the crazy bento culture that has exploded all over the internet to see how much effort these women put into everything involving their children. It is an amazing expenditure of energy!
I am not going to be making cutesy cartoon bento for my child, but I appreciate the level of involvement Japanese parents appear to have in their child’s life. I think many of the things Japanese parents do creates a strong feeling of family unity that will help and support the child through growing up. It is a feeling that I hope I can foster in my own family.
But the behavior I admired in Japanese children came from more than just loving parents. It came from the values of Japanese society itself. Children didn’t have a ton of toys or gadgets. There’s simply not enough room in a tiny Japanese apartment or house. Many of the kids I saw made due with whatever they could find and a little imagination. Watching them play with sticks, stones, and other things scavenged from around the playground reminded me of my own upbringing. It is amazing what kids can come up with when they are left alone to imagine their own worlds and games. It is a valuable skill.
And as far as respect for elders and each other, that is the heart of Japanese culture. Thinking about others before you think about yourself is probably the most Japanese things I can think of. And it is astonishing how early children can do that. One of the greatest lessons I learned working with Japanese children is how much more young people are capable of.
When I think about the type of parent I want to be, the type of life I want to give my child, I find myself leaning more toward Japanese parenting styles. I am not saying the Japanese are perfect, no culture is, but I am drawn to certain aspects. Like how they encourage independence and accountability at a much younger age than Americans. How children are incorporated into every aspect of daily life rather than set aside in a crib or playpen while mommy and daddy do their adult stuff. Or how very young children are expected to understand how to act in a variety of social situations – they can run around like little oni all over the playground, but they must behave in stores and other grownup places.
I know not all the things I like about Japanese culture and parenting will be easy to implement while living in the U.S. Independence is one of these. Japanese children run errands and travel to school all by themselves as early as first grade! In a country with almost no crime, that isn’t unthinkable. Here, however, it would never work. I also really appreciated Japanese minimalism, but since kids are pretty quick to pick up on the value of material things, that might not work out so well.
Anata and I still have a lot of decisions to make and parenting ideas to discuss before our little one comes. And I know there will be even more discussion once our bundle of joy arrives and everything we thought we were decided on gets thrown out the window. I do know that living in another country made it very clear to me that there is no one way to raise a child. Each culture has their own process, but there is no right answer. I need to find the process that works for my family and me.
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