Japan is not the place to sort out your body issues

Like many women, and men, I suffer from body image issues.  I have struggled with my weight and self-image since high school, but more so in recent years due to injury and being almost thirty.  While the move to Japan has caused an increase in my physical activity - I am walking about ten miles a day - and a slightly healthier diet, it has not always bene good for my self-esteem.

This weekend was especially rough.  A friend and I were taken kimono shopping by my amazing landlady and a kimono teacher she knows.  What started out as an exciting opportunity turned into a silent struggle to hold back tears.  I was just too big.

Kimonos are made to be worn a very specific way.  There is very little variation in size, so it is up to the wearer to make modifications for the correct fit.  Usually this means adding a little padding around the middle.  But for me, I already had too much padding.  There was also some concern over my height, the width of my shoulders, the length of my arms, the size of my bust, and my wide hips.  This is not to say the kimonos would not cover me.  I just could not wear it in a traditional way.

After an afternoon of "ookii" and "ichiban ookii" exchanged between my companions and the shop keepers, my spirts were pretty low.  I realize they were not trying to be discouraging.  They were just asking for the largest kimonos.  But the words made me feel like a behemoth instead of just a little bigger than the average Japanese.  The concerned look on the kimono teacher's face as she tugged and readjusted the hundredth kimono in a desperate attempt to make it fit correctly, a pursing of the lips, a slight wrinkle across the forehead, and the merest hint of pity in her eyes as if she had just come across a dying bug from a species she wasn't particularly fond of, stung and even make me a little angry.  Not at her, but at myself.  I really appreciated her help and patience, and the assistance of my landlady, but I was regretting putting myself in a position I knew would come from this adventure. 

After a half dozen shops, I quit looking.  The beautiful kimonos were piled on tables in various states of unfolding, like a fabric kaleidoscope.  I wanted to dig through them like the Japanese ladies around me.  Others were hanging, their sleeves blowing slightly in the breeze, as if the ghosts of their former owners were still wearing them, unable to part with such beauty and grace.  But I fought the urge to hold them, to try them on.  I knew it would end in disappointment.

At the end of the day, I did buy four kimonos.  Three were nothing special, just something to lounge around in.  Also, I plan to alter them to fit under the eggplant purple hakama that I found.  I need to cut them short and re-hem them, but I think they will look really good as just a top.  The only decent kimono I found was a light green and beautifully embroidered.  Like the rest, it did not fit, but I just could not leave the market empty handed.

That night was the first time I really cried since I have been in Japan. We are talking full on, ugly tears, gasping sobs, and complete emotional exhaustion.  It was not pretty.

However, two days later I was back at the same market with my same friend.  This time, I decided not to worry about whether or not the kimono fit in a traditional way.  It's not like I would be wearing it traditionally at home.  I ended up with two more beautiful kimonos on this trip.  And a fantastic ceramic stacking box that was a steal at 500 yen (about five dollars).

My mom has a blue and white one.  I have always loved it.

So there are two morals to this story.  First, if you are an American (or European) in Japan, there is a very good chance you will feel like a giant (and not in a good way).  A friend of mine put it best when he said he was just going to sit in a corner and mutter Hodor after his shopping excursion.  Second, and most important, don't let it get you down.  There were a few things my landlady and the kimono teacher would not let us away with, mainly trying to close the kimono right over left, but they said, for the most part, we are not Japanese.  So we should feel free to create our own style.  I had trouble believing that the first afternoon.  I was too overwhelmed with the negative body image I had brought with me from America.  But after a good cry and a night's sleep, I realized they were right.  I know this will not be the last time my size and shape upset me, but losing weight and getting in shape can be a slow process.  I just have to be patient and create my own look in the meantime.