The art of giving gifts

Gift giving is a highly stylized art in Japan. Like food, dressing, tea, and any other culturally important event, the Japanese have steeped the exchange of gifts and trinkets in formality and panache. Bows, paper, and even the gifts themselves hold special significance. Every detail, down to the folds of the wrapping paper are ritualized. It is beautiful, yes, but incredibly frustrating for foreigners. Mendokusai.

I have always been a generous person. I give gifts because I want to, not because of social obligations (for the most part). If I see something that reminds me of a person, or something I think they would like, I buy it. These Just Because gifts have no ulterior motives – they are just something I wanted to share with a special someone. Maybe it is food, a trinket, or a gag; but whatever it is, I give it without thought of getting something in return. I don’t keep tallies. 

But this type of gift is a huge problem in Japan. Just Because gifts cause extreme stress and confusion. A gift, any gift, requires a gift in return. And quickly delivered. So when I give a teacher a folder from Ishiyamadera – the place where The Tale of Genji was written – because we have talked at length about the book, I get two in return later that day. When I give another teacher treats for her daughter’s brass band concert, a good luck gift, I get a memo pad and stickers in return. I appreciate these things, but I wish the givers could understand that I did not want anything in return, only to share myself with them. I did not mean to cause them stress or discomfort. I did not want them to spend money or time trying to find an appropriate response gift. I wish they could understand that sometimes we just give because we want to. Because watching them with whatever trinket made us think of them is a gift in and of itself. That sometimes a smile between friends is the greatest gift of all.