Some things never change

Looking through my posts here, I must admit this blogging thing didn’t go exactly the way I intended.  I had hoped to write more often for one.  To include travel articles and slice of life vignettes.  I am not displeased with what I have written.  I am actually really proud of some of my posts.  And I have written many things to give insight into this beautiful, crazy, amazing country. But looking at my running list of ideas, I just feel I haven’t done enough.  Some of my ideas go all the way back to my first months here! Adventures and thoughts that were poignant to my emerging self at the start of this journey.  Thinking about writing them now I know they will lose some of the magic and feeling.  I cannot recapture the innocence.  Not truly.

But this is nothing new.  Back home there is a file cabinet full of great ideas that I just never really got around to writing.  You see, I have always been a procrastinator.  But it took moving half way around the world to realize just how much deeper it really went.  It isn’t just procrastination, it is a disbelief in the future.  Or at least an apathy toward any solid plans for tomorrow.  For almost two years I have been living in a dream world full of adventure and inspiration.  There was always something better to do.  Something more exciting to keep me busy.  I have always had a deep fear of missing out.  I want to be at the center of things, always moving and experiencing.  This has led to many all-nighters, benders, and poor life choices.  But I never seem to learn.  Tomorrow, the future, was always something I was aware of, but not really interested in thinking about.  In all honesty, I would be content to keep living this way for years – a rootless gaijin completely at the whim of her own wanderlust, living paycheck to paycheck with no thought of what comes after.

Writing about my wonderful experiences takes time away from other adventures I could be having.  But then what is my excuse for not writing when I have time – when I am stuck at work with nothing much to do.  Well that is another personality quirk that I have struggled with.  It surprises many people to know that I have poor perseverance.  I am full of dreams, ideas, and ambitions, but lack the focus to follow through and achieve them.  This is a trait that developed later in life, after graduation, when I was finally released into the adult world.  When I am left to my own devices, I seem to choose the path of least resistance, responsibility, and actual effort.  I am sure this is tied to the instant gratification attitude I have come to realize dominates my personality, but I am sure there are other contributing factors as well.  Regardless of why I do it, being in Japan has made me realize how much I do it.  It’s a lot.

I have no grand plans for what I will do with this new understanding of myself.  Recognizing something and productively addressing it are two very different things.  There are two warring people inside me; the one who is upset at the lack of progress and commitment, this one sets goals and makes lists, she believes in the unlimited potential of my other self if other self would just get her ass in gear.  The other is content to just float, letting the river of life move her from one amazing experience to another, soaking it all in, learning, growing, and doing nothing but living.  However, I know returning home will bring about major conflict between these two.  But I guess that is something to worry about tomorrow.  For now, I will squeeze in as much adventure as possible.  And do my best to write about them in my down time.

The first frost

I really dislike winter.  Not necessarily the season itself, but all the things that come with it – the cold, the late sunrise and early sunset, dreary weather (snow or rain), the whole collection of winter that makes winter most people’s least favorite season.

However, walking to school on the first day of frost, I can’t help being a little elated.  Just a little.  The air is crisp.  Just a hint of smoke in it.  It pricks at my exposed cheeks, making the skin feel more alive than the rest of my tired body.  I inhale, the cold rushing all the way down into my core, coming back out in a cloud.

The sun is almost over the mountains.  It catches the frost covering the harvested rice fields, turning them a shimmering white/grey like some expensive fabric.  As the sun climbs higher, the frost sparkles.

Yes, the weather this morning was beautiful and invigorating.  The pink cheeks and noses of the elementary students hurrying to school were adorable.  Does it make me love winter?  No.  But it makes me pause to appreciate that every day, even a winter day, can be amazing.  But my nose is staring to run and my toes are frozen.  Time to hurry on to school.

Christmas in Japan

Celebrating the holidays away from home is always a little strange.  I remember my first holiday with Anata’s family.  I was a little overwhelmed with all the new traditions and events.  Even though we are both American, our families had very different ways of celebrating this important holiday.  But it was nothing compared to the strangeness of Christmas time in Japan. 

Japan has embraced many international holidays.  I have written already about my experiences on Halloween.  But their adaptation of Christmas is something very unique and, to be honest, quite funny from an American point of view.  Because Japanese Christmas has absolutely nothing to do with Christ.  It is purely commercial – an excuse to buy and sell.  It is the inevitable end of American Christmas, if Christmas continues on its current capitalist path.  In many ways I find this blatant consumerism refreshing, especially after all the ridiculous stories coming out of America this year about the design of some coffee shop’s cups or the “War on Christmas.”  At least Japanese Christmas is honest with itself about its purpose.

I guess I should explain what Japanese Christmas traditions are a little more.  In Japan, Christmas is a time for children and couples.  Christmas music floats through the air at department stores and malls.  Christmas trees pop up in public areas.  Lights adorn streets and shopping malls.  A few private residences will put up a tree or other decorations, but this is quite rare.  Christmas cheer is pretty much taken care of by retailers and the city.  This is a time for illuminations, like those in Kobe, where the cities dazzle visitors with nighttime light extravaganzas.  Nowhere will you see a nativity scene, or a menorah for that matter, because Christmas in Japan is a secular event.  Many of my students had never heard the word Hanukah or Yule.  But, to be fair, we never talked about Shōgatsu, Japanese New Year, in our Christmas around the world lessons in elementary school.  So even though it is called Christmas by the Japanese people, don’t expect any religious significance.  No more than you would find in any Coca-Cola commercial, anyway.

The main aspects of Christmas that Japan has borrowed are the songs, decorations, and presents.  Because who doesn’t want an excuse for presents!  Japan loves gift giving.  I have written many, many times about how they have turned gift giving into a delicate art form and a social minefield for gaijin.  But unlike America, where there are gifts for coworkers, friends, family, and then presents for the ones you really care about, Japan focuses on gifts between two main groups – children and the person you are dating.  Santa is very popular in Japan.  On the 24^th, he leaves presents on the pillows of all the good boys and girls.  That part is pretty similar.  However, there is not the epic family gift exchange and wrapping paper apocalypse that most Americans know and love. 

If you are over the age of ten, you shouldn’t expect much for Christmas.  Unless you are dating.  In America, Christmas is a time for family, but New Year’s is the time to be with the one you love and want to spend the next year with (or at least the night).  In Japan, Christmas is a time for couples to flaunt their happiness.  There are gifts, special events, and just a whole lot of lovey-dovey things targeted at young couples.  One of my students even asked who I was spending Christmas with, like it was a huge and embarrassing secret.  Not understanding the implication, I said my husband.  It took a little chat with the teacher after class to help me understand the eruption of giggles at my response. 

So what do Japanese people do if they don’t spend Christmas eating turkey and celebrating their chosen religion?  Honestly, nothing.  December 25^th is just a normal day.  The trains run the same as every other day.  The mail gets delivered.  Businesses are open and people go about their regular lives.  I saw a bunch of store employees in reindeer and Santa outfits, but I think any excuse to dress up is welcome in Japan.  Most schools are closed, but only just.  I had work on the 24^th!  The only real difference I have seen is that many families will have a bucket of KFC for dinner followed by a Christmas cake.  That is about it.

As an American, it was strange to watch this very different version of Christmas.  There were some parts I found really amusing, but other parts that made me miss home and my family’s traditions.  I think the biggest thing I missed was being with family.   I was lucky enough to have visitors both years, but it wasn’t the same as spending the holidays with friends and family.  Regardless of your religion, winter celebrations seem to all have this at their heart.  And Japan has its own version of this family and religious centered holiday.  It falls on the 1^st of January.  During the New Year celebration, people spend the days with their family – eating, celebrating, and counting their blessings.  Though the date and trappings may be different, the sentiment is the same.  It is a time to be thankful and surrounded by those you love. 

Spending the holiday season in this amazing country reminds me of how different yet similar we all are.  We all find it necessary to gather together with family and friends at the close of the year.  To count our blessings and express our hopes for the year to come.  It is a time of presents, commercialism, spirituality, merriment, and love.  I will miss KFC, Christmas cake, mochi, and kotatsu next year, but I am excited to celebrating with the foods, traditions, and people I grew up with.  After all, the trappings don’t matter, it is the spirit of the season that spreads through us all.

Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder

In many ways my time here has made me appreciate my loved ones more – especially Anata.  Being on my own has made me realize all the little things I took for granted – like being able to call Okasan whenever I wanted, having someone to cook with and for, sharing a bottle of wine and gossip with a best friend, or just having another presence in the house.  With time and distance I was able to see the things that really mattered, rather than all the mundane gripes and complaints that build up over the years.  So in many ways the old adage is true, I did grow fonder of Anata and all of those I love back home.  I found new value in my relationships and new layers to people.

However, this wasn’t the case every minute of our time apart.  The honest truth is I would go days and weeks without thinking of those back home.  I was busy having adventures, meeting new people, trying new food, seeing new sights.  While there was always a small part of me that wished I could share these things with friends and family back home, they were not forefront in my thoughts.  This has been a very selfish adventure.  I know I haven’t thought of them, worried about them, or missed them half as much as they have missed me.  It is something I feel guilty about, when I do think about those back home.  It is also something I will have to keep in mind when I return – especially with those closest to me who have missed me the most.  While I was off exploring a whole new world, wrapped up in myself, their thoughts were on me.  I could not have done this without their love and support, I am truly grateful, and I only hope the change they see in me from this experience is enough to make up for not always thinking about them.

Use it or lose it

In college I took two semesters of Spanish during summer school.  For six weeks I spent like three hours a day in practically an emersion environment.  Pretty soon, I started thinking in Spanish.  I could hold a fairly long conversation.  I was actually speaking and understanding a foreign language.  And then summer ended and I was done with my language requirements.  Despite the face I was living in Tucson, Arizona, just an hour from Mexico, all the Spanish I had studied that summer (and the four years before) slipped away like desert sand in the wind till I can hardly ask where is the bathroom anymore.

When it comes to language, if you don’t use it, you lose it.  I learned that with Spanish.  As soon as I stopped studying and moved to an area with less Spanish speaking people, it all faded away.  I am sure it is still there, if I started studying again.  In fact, when I am searching for a Japanese word, a Spanish one sometimes slips out.  But what I didn’t realize is you can still lose what you have picked up even if you are still immersed in the language!

I have not done much to study Japanese while I have been in Japan.  There have been a few half-hearted attempts at kanji.  I had some success trying to translate the first volume of One Piece, an anime and manga I enjoy and know the story for.  But mostly I have learned by listening and talking to people.  When I lived in Osaka, this was easy.  I had my flat mates, the people on the shopping street, and neighborhood friends to practice with.  At school my desk was right in the middle of things and my coworkers really tried to talk to me.  But when I moved to Wakayama, I started to slip.  Traveling between two schools kind of distanced me from my coworkers.  Not to mention high school teachers are a lot busier.  So where I used to chat with the nurse and other teachers without classes, I now find myself sitting quietly at my desk in the back of the teachers’ room.  This is not to say my teachers ignore me or avoid me, it is just different.

My situation at home is different, too.  I no longer stroll past mom and pop businesses on a daily basis, stopping to chat about weather, family, and work.  I no longer have flat mates to listen to, much less discuss life with.  My apartment is in the middle of a residential neighborhood, but I hardly see my neighbors.  My commute is long and by the time I get home it is easier to cook for myself than find a restaurant or take away close by.  So my weeknights are spent quietly.  I still watch anime, but I have found myself reading more than listening.

 Now this would not be so much of a problem if I had kept up studying on my own.  But without people to practice with, the studying is hard.  I never really figured out how to learn language.  I have tried different things, but nothing really seemed to work.  Or, more likely, I never really gave it the time to work.  I have never been really good at commitment.  But studying on my own, I was always left with questions of why and how with no way to answer them.  Conjugation, counters, levels of politeness – Japanese is a very difficult language to understand the ins and outs of.  Flash cards and kanji didn’t help me speak or listen.  I need a structured class, I think.  Something with other people that will give me support and keep me accountable.

It sounds counter intuitive, but I have kind of put learning Japanese on the back burner for now.  My time here is drawing to a close, and I would rather spend the time exploring and interacting than holed up studying.  Perhaps when I am back in the US I will have the time and resources to learn the language I have been living with for over a year. 

My struggle with language has been my biggest frustration in my time here.  Being unable to communicate has left me isolated, confused, and often frustrated.  Learning while living here turned out to be very difficult with a full time job and a world of amazing things to explore.  If I could do it again, I would put off moving here until I could speak and read the language at least a little bit.

Closing time

So gather up your jackets, move it to the exits
I hope you have found a friend
Closing time
Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end

                                                                      -Closing Time by Semisonic

The tickets have not been purchased or the paperwork filed, but I have decided I will be leaving Japan the first part of May.  As they say, all good things must come to an end, and after almost two years here, it is about time to say goodbye.

 It wasn’t an easy decision – there is still so much I want to see and do.  I have fallen in love with this country and the idea of leaving is difficult to accept.  Riding the train, walking down the street, shopping for groceries, I think about all the little moments I will miss.  Watching the clouds snake like smoke around the mountains makes me sad to leave such natural beauty.  Clicking through news articles from home about racism, violence, and politics makes me long to stay here where I feel safe.  And spending the afternoon in Namba, Umeda, Tennoji, or any crowded neighborhood, watching the sea of humanity ebb and flow around me, makes me cringe to return to a quiet, rural existence.  The people, the food, the culture – I have loved every second of my time here and part of me really does not want to leave.

But another part of me says it is time.  There will always be things left undone, but now it is time for the next big adventure.  It is time to process all the experiences from these two years.  To take stock of the changes I have gone through physically and mentally.  To apply what I have done and learned.  This was always meant to be a journey of self-discovery and growth.  I feel I have achieved that in spades.  I have gathered the pieces, now it is time to put the puzzle together. 

冬

As the vibrant reds, oranges, and golds of fall fade into the dull greys and browns of winter, a small part of me is relieved that this will be my last winter in Japan.  Not because I am ready to leave – there is still too much to see and experience in this amazing country – but because winter in Japan, like winter everywhere, is best spent with family and friends.

 The days grow shorter.  Darkness comes earlier and stays later.  The color seems to bleed from the world.  Outdoor adventures become fewer as the weather gets colder and more sullen.  This year the change is more acute since I am living alone.  No coffee and mumbled ohayous while darting across cold wood floors.  No hot, homemade soup waiting after a dark and freezing commute home.  Not even a heater I can program to come on before I get home.  Just a cold, dark house.

 If I were Japanese – or living in a Japanese house at least – I could look forward to lazy days snuggled under the kotatsu, eating mikan and napping.  If I were in America I would have warm, fuzzy puppies, my favorite winter foods, holiday celebrations, and central heating.

 The days will pass, though, growing slowly warmer and brighter.  I have a visit from Anata to look forward to, end of year school parties with coworkers and friends, and indoor adventures I have been putting off.  The weeks and months will slide by, probably faster than I want, and I will soon be looking back wishing for more time.  Just a few more weeks of winter so my time here can last that much longer.

 However, I have not reached that point yet.  While I am excited about my winter plans (especially my Christmas visit) I am already looking forward to Japan’s second most beautiful season – Spring.  Perhaps it is by design that the melancholy months of winter separate the two most colorful seasons – a chance to cleanse the mental palate to better appreciate the colors and excitement as the world returns to life.